My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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