I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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