I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
