a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
