im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
