Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
