Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
