the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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