I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
