Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
