My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Randomize
