Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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