This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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