sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Bring me that man meat
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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