dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
