I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
