At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
