now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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