Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
so let's talk penis.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
