Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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