She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
