Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
