I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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