I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i think i just lost a toe
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
