I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
