Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
