i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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