im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
