I have demons in me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
