i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
