I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
