It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
