when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize