I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
