and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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