I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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