3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
