it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i think my cat just said my name.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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