Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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