I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize