I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
