Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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