the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
