you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize