It's like God shit irony all over that family
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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