Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
