omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
