So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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