Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
