Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
