i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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