I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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