This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
