The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
