found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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