I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
