i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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