I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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