I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
