the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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